Guess the Bellybutton

John Stamos and Tom Selleck were on Conan the other night and the subject of bellybuttons came up. Well, the three of them decided to compare bellybuttons. Can you pick which one belongs to each?

Well, the pasty hands probably give the last one away. The top one, the ugly, deformed and utterly disturbing nubbin of a bellybutton belongs to John Stamos. The middle one, flanked by discolored spots that are obviously fatal skin-cancer from his days of shirtless vollyball while house sitting for reclusive billionaire Robin Chambers, is Tom Selleck's, and the bottom is ultra-white boy Conan O'Brien.

See ladies: ultra-sexy John Stamos has a gnarly bellybutton. And ultra-sexy Tom Selleck has a nasty case of fatal skin cancer. And of course Conan, is, well, Conan.

Kal wins, by default.

See the youtube clip here. And a tip of the hat to Thesuperficial for finding this.

Everything Sucks...

This is going to be a bit disjointed (grain alcohol will do that to you...).

Crap. I'm still using complete sentences. Obviously not enough grain alcohol yet (Gypsy has set the standard for drunken blogging..)

And, by the way, we'll be watching Lost during this post- which is a really bad idea, 'cause JJ Abrams + booze can leave you really fucked up... Like, for instance, I could've sworn I just saw a nice little busdivision,... err... subdivision on the other side of the Lost island... and it's got Kerry Weaver's lesbian lover in it...

Oh, new Career Builder ad, one with the guy and a monkey at the urinal, and the monkey is certainly not dollowing... err...following the etiquitte spelled out in that video a couple of posts ago. This one's not on youtube yet, but here's a montage of Careerbuilder monkey ads... You know, for my money, you just can't get enough monkeyads...



Oh yes, she's back... Buy here she's Juliet... Interesting.

By the way - it was nice to see them not kill off Luka and Maggie's kid on ER last week. They haven't killed a baby in like a year..

Holy leaping lizards... Kate from Lost is in a low cut dress with her womanly parts all bulging out... my goodness..

Anywho, as I was saying, I think, at some point at least in this post, I'm in a crappy mood. Life sucks.

And the worst thing is, I can't write about it at all because too many people I know in real life know about this thing. And the last thing I need is someone from work knowing about my years as a page working for Mark Foley...

So, hyeah;.. Wroks sucks (uh oh - the grain spriitis are kicking in...(),... Politics sucls. The mega-volcano at TYellowstone is 40m,0-000 tyears late for an explosion, there've been four school shooting in the last two weeks, and my daughter is 10 going on 14 and may not make it to 11 if she keeps up her wiseass mouth....

Serious shit is going down, and I don;'t know how I;m supposed to just raise a family and go to work each morning and act like nothings happening.

Well, there's no way to wrap this up. So I;m just going to say good bye, and I;'kll see you all tomorrow...

Ciao

It's All... Stupid

Ok, there's a new show on ABC this fall, It's All Relative, that they've been promoting up the wazoo (so it must suck like an electrolux), which is billed as a sort of La Cage Aux Folles taken to the "what next" stage.

Lenny Clarke plays a Boston Irish Catholic whose son is engaged to a Harvard Medical student. Lenny's son is a bartender, and his fiancee has two gay dads.

Comic goodness ensues.

The ads run last night feature delightful light hearted name calling, featuring such lovey words as sissy-boy, pansy, etc etc.

It's being billed as sort of an Archie Bunker for the new millenia. Three episodes. I hope this thing keels in three episodes. How do I hate this? Let me count the ways....

1) Stereotype-o-rama. You want to offend? This baby's got it all!!! Gay men are well-coiffed, wordly, sophisticated and bitchy. Boston Irish Catholics are knuckle-dragging troglodytes who would call their prospective inlaws derogatory names (to their faces, and before the wedding, all true Boston Irish Catholics know to wait until at least the reception). Harvard students?: Modern and progressive. Working class joes?: Backward and offensive.

2) Fact idiocy. If you're going to offend people, do it with some intelligence. On last night's promos, as Lenny Clarke was bringing the nationwide view of Boston Irish Catholics (they hammered that point endlessly: he's not just from Boston... He's Irish! He's Catholic! My goodness, he probably is a repressed altar boy abuser himself!!!!) down a peg or eight, the two sophisticated gay gentlemen spewed their own invective: "Irish Catholic" "caveman" "Republican".

Huh?

Just as now nation divided may long endure, and as a house built on sand will fall into the sea, no television show with writers for an abject disdain for truth will long entertain an audience. The strength of situational comedy lay in believable absurdity. Take a memory, event, or truth, particularly something painful or hurtful, push it two degrees past truth and caricature to create a safe distance, and you have humor. But you've got to base these things in truth, so that people will see it, recognize it, and appreciate it's difference from reality.

This is where "It's all relative" drives off the cliff. There is no such thing as a Boston Irish Catholic Republican. There may be a Loch Ness Monster, there may be a Big Foot, and there may be a pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow, but there ain't no such thing as a Boston Irish Republican.

(We gots plenty o' Boston Irish Republican Army sympathizers around here, but that ain't the same thing).

Thoughts for a Monday Morning

Ah, it's been almost a half month. In truth, I was just trying to up the anticipation. Or, I had nothing to say. You pick.

So, some random thoughts:

The ongoing Bob Ryan controversy:
Jason Kidd, who actually smacked his wife, got a $200 fine and agreed to undergo counselling. Bob Ryan, who said he would like to smack Kidd's wife, got a one month unpaid suspension.

Sooo, Jason Kidd, who actually beat his wife, loses 200 bucks. Bob Ryan, who only says he would like to beat Jason Kidd's wife, is out, at least, 10 grand.

The lesson: in America it is cheaper to actually beat your own wife than to say you want to beat someone else's wife.

Does this send the right signal? What the heck is wrong with this country?

And please, the nattering nabobs: I am not condoning wife beating. My mother taught me never to hit a lady. She taught me to duck and run when the lady is throwing vegetables, plates, cutting boards, etc, at you.

SERIOUSLY FOLKS ADDENDA
Actually, the disparity between Ryan's punishment and Kidd's (and put aside that Ryan's punishment is by a private party with which Ryan has a consensual relationship -- that is, if he were ticked enough about this he could tell his employer to go pee up a rope and he could take his golden prose elsewhere, while Kidd's penalty is imposed by THE MAN), anyway, Ryan's rather stiff penalty vs. Kidd's slap on the wrist, just perpetuates the double standard that domestic violence prevention labors under. Threaten a person outside your personal sphere -- big time trouble. Threaten (and hit) your wife -- well, that's a different (somehow less serious) matter. This is lunacy.

What Ryan did was essentially to get up on a park bench and say he would like to smack somebody. This is somehow worse than me going out and actually smacking the next passer-by? Oh, no, I see, if the next passerby was my wife, then that's a matter for counseling. But if it was a private citizen then it's off to the hoosegow with me. See this for a discussion of the term hoosegow. I just like that word.... This double standard makes absolutely no sense at all.

Okay, back to the trivial...

And you were expecting?:
The new JD Powers survey says the Hummer owners are slightly upset at the vehicle's gas mileage.

Umm..

Boy, getting 10 mpg rather than that 12 you had expected is certainly a bummer. Are these folks really that dense? This frickin' car weighs like 9,000 pounds! It has more interior room than my first apartment! A hummer with a gun rack is enough firepower to coup d'etat at least four or five central american nations!

And you pay $50,000 and are worried about gas mileage? It's like griping about the lack low number of cupholders in brother Goodson's BMW Z4.

Morons. A nation of morons. Of rich morons.

Evil triumphs, because good is stupid.

Well, Jenna picking up the $1million was fairly pukey. Talk about a hobson's choice though: vapid jenna or crazy matt. I guess I just don't understand Christy. I mean, somebody did tell her that you wrote down the person you wanted to win, right? Motherdear will be devestated, although not as much as if manboobs bob had won. She thought rob was the nexus of all evil in the universe, but isn't that the lesson we take from the six seasons of survivor? Evil is rewarded with the million bucks, good wins a car.

Z4.

Drove brother Goodson's Z4 this weekend.

Niiiiice.

Mucho boosto, as our south american friends would say. Shift that baby into second and step on the gas. Woooooosh. One problem. The nose is entirely too long. How do I know this? Because I managed to hit the curb while parking in the local donut establishment. Sickening "crunch" sound. Abrupt stop. Nausea. Visions of fratricide.

Relatively unknown BWM safety feature: it is impossible to put one's head behind a tire and commit suicide by releasing the parking brake. Car is too low to the ground to accomodate normal human-sized noggin.

brother Goodson was very understanding. Am only banned from driving said Z4. Can still oogle it and wax once per month.


Okay, that's all for now.

Did the hip among us get the movie reference? As always, emails to Kalezac@gmail.com guarateed to be completely ignored.