Something to tide you over...

Combining my dual passions for Gilbert and Sullivan and the Miami Bass sound...

Don't be That Guy...

It seems in my old age I'm turning into That Guy.

I'm that guy who can't manage to dress himself anymore...

Here I am at Wife'sCousin #9's wedding wearing one blue and one black sock.



And I'm that guy with the perverted kid...

Here's the grainy surveillance picture of The Boy grabbing his second cousin twice removed's butt during their dance. He certainly likes to get close during the dances with the ladies, which depending upon their station in life (mothers naturally respond to a child at their bosom, twenty-somethings think he's about to do "The Motorboat").



I'm that guy who yells at poor little thirteen year old umpires.

While I did not go to the lengths of the drunken fat guy below (the first 30 seconds, I didn't watch the rest of the clip, don't feel compelled to either), I apparently did give the poor eighth grader umpiring my son's little league game a little bit of a hard time last weekend. In my defense, I thought I was just helping him decipher the play that had just happened in the field. While I can see why calling him a "buck toothed blind little rodent" might have gone over the top, I feel we were just having a sincere exchange of opinions. At least I don't have to go to boring little league games (at least until the restraining order expires)....



And finally, I'm that guy who watches 1980's karaoke on YouTube. Here's Debbie Gibson's lost in your eyes. It was put up by some Filipino guy who's got like 600 of these things up. Majorly lovely time-waster....



Well, that's it for now. I'm off to wallow in my that guyedness now. Ciao!

Rube Goldberg for pyromaniacs

Found this on Live Leak. It's a neat Rube Goldberg machine using fire...



(Just seemed appropriate, tonight's Criminal Minds is all about a serial killer arsonist.)

Guess the Bellybutton

John Stamos and Tom Selleck were on Conan the other night and the subject of bellybuttons came up. Well, the three of them decided to compare bellybuttons. Can you pick which one belongs to each?

Well, the pasty hands probably give the last one away. The top one, the ugly, deformed and utterly disturbing nubbin of a bellybutton belongs to John Stamos. The middle one, flanked by discolored spots that are obviously fatal skin-cancer from his days of shirtless vollyball while house sitting for reclusive billionaire Robin Chambers, is Tom Selleck's, and the bottom is ultra-white boy Conan O'Brien.

See ladies: ultra-sexy John Stamos has a gnarly bellybutton. And ultra-sexy Tom Selleck has a nasty case of fatal skin cancer. And of course Conan, is, well, Conan.

Kal wins, by default.

See the youtube clip here. And a tip of the hat to Thesuperficial for finding this.

Reason #476 I'm a Republican....

It's tough nowadays to admit one's republicanism, but Thank God for Tony Snow.

Apparently Mr. Snow, Bush's spokesman, is in a band called "Beats Workin'", and, get this...

He plays...

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Jazz/Blues Flute!

I sh^t you not.

Here's a YoutTube clip of him doing "Stormy Monday Blues" sounding A LOT like Ian Anderson on Tull's version of the same song.



Apparently Tony and his band are in a battle of the bands at the National Press Club dinner with geriatric newsreader Bob Schieffer's band: "Honky Tonk Confidential". Here's an MP3 clip of one of their songs, with Shieffer singing.

Tony and his band, on their website, has on their songlist stuff like the Stones, The Grateful Dead, Badfinger, The Doors and Grand Funk Railroad. Shieffer? Schieffer plays crappy honky tonk crap.

Republicans = cool music.
Democrats = crappy music.

I rest my case.

Can't talk... eating working...

Ugh. Deadline for vast quantity of written work coming up (like in two and a half hours). Eeek! Just checked, it's two hours! Small amounts of written work done. Need to turn into vast amounts quickly... No time for chatting.

Have a great weekend, and to all you Mothers and Mother$@#$ers out there, happy Mother's Day!

Oh, and for Motherdear, who may or may not be lurking, here's for you:

Happy Beltane

Sorry been away, but it's Beltane you know, and I've been... well... busy.

The first of May, long before the Commies stole it for May Day, is a very important day. In the Celtic and Pict parts of the British Isles it's Beltane, the traditional kick off of summer.

Beltane's an ancient festival celebrating the death of winter and the begining of summer (June 21st, our "first day of summer" is actually mid-summer's day). Befitting my new status as a Crunchy Conservative interested in the environment and Mama Earth and all that crap, I've been trying to revive some of the old customs.

So, for Beltane you've got to build a big bonfire, dance around, maybe do a little Maypole dancing, and... well... some other stuff.

Beltane is around planting time, and you really want to make sure the Earth is super-fertile so your crops will grow nice and tall. Apparently the ancient druids believed that you could help along Mama Earth in her fertility by, well... getting busy in the furrows. Your fertility would rub off. So to speak.

So I got the bonfire all set, did a bit of dancing around, skipped the Maypole (that just looks goofy). And then asked Wifeypooh if she wanted to help me fertilize the garden.

Long story short, I woke up this morning in the bushes with a splitting headache, an egg on the top of my head, a broken spade next to me, and a ticked off wife locking me outof the house.

I guess she said no.

Ah well, maybe next year. For a bit of Maypole dancing, how about Men Without Hats?

A belated Happy Belligerent Americans Day

I forgot to post this yesterday, but it's a tradition I have to recognize April 19th, Belligerent Americans Day.

1689: Massachusetts Governor Edmond Andros is booted for being an autocratic @sshole.

1775: Mob of ruffian farmers on Lexington Green start shooting on Redcoats (who are the army of the country of which the ruffian farmers are citizens, by the way) as the Redcoats are in transit to Concord to arrest some fellows who were plotting against the Government.

1861: Mobs of ruffian city folks riot in Baltimore, attack Union troops on their way to Washington DC. Four union soldiers and nine civilians are killed.

1898: Congress grants President McKinley's request for War with Spain.

1917: The S.S. Magnolia encountered a German U-Boat and fired what is believed to be the first American shots fired in WWI.

1993: The government storms the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas. Seventy-four religious extremists die in resulting conflagration / mass suicide / murder.

1995: Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols explode a truck bomb at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168, including 19 children.

Now, if I were Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I wouldn't get out of bed today...

I am just so damn proud of the USA...

I just read a story from the London Daily Mail that made me so gosh darn proud of my country that I knew I had to share it with you.

And to provide you with the appropriate soundtrack for your reading, here's a little patriotic music to read by:

(the good part starts at 0:33)



Okay, now on with the story.

Well, it seems that folks in old blighty have started to take after their corpulent younger cousins and obesity is quickly becoming common over there as well.

This has all the usual side effects; poor health, fat out of shape kids, and the breakdown of the family as people eat too much fast food, cats and dogs living together, fire and brimstone being rained from heaven, all that end of the world crap.

Now, for whatever reason they cremate a large proportion of dead people in England (I would assume land constraints, but I don't know so I'm not going to guess), like 2/3rds.

And this pandemic obesity is causing a problem with their crematoria. You see, the average English coffin is 16 to 20 inches across. Well, that's before Burger King. So their crematoria are built to handle that sized coffin. Problem is, there's a growing segment (the segment is growing, as well as each of the people in that segment, don't you know) of their population which is requiring coffins up to 40 inches wide.

Wide load, indeed.

So, what's this got to do with America? Well, in retrofitting their crematorium "fleet", English companies are having to turn to American companies:

"Among them Lewisham in South London has ordered a 44 inch cremator from the United States, where the world's highest rates of obesity means the funeral trade is geared up to meet the problem."

Alright! We're the world's leading exporter of fatass-fryers!

Let's hear it for the good-ole, corpulent, USA!

The Soundtrack of my life...

The best decade of music ever...



(Argh! Frustration! Supposed to be playing 14 videos from my YouTube "80's Radio" playlist! Why is it only playing the first one?!? Gagghg!!!

Well, anyway here's the link to the playlist, if you're interested. Ciao!)

And then somthing Gino and I can agree on...

Happy St. Patrick's Day from the Dropkick Murphys! (yeah, a day late, I know...)

Here's The Rocky Road to Dublin,



And, of course, their signature ending...



Enjoy.

Sure to piss off Gino...

Welcome to my little propaganda zone.

God has quite a sense of humor, dumping a foot or so of snow on the beginning of the first Interfaith Climate Walk in Massachusetts. This is nothing new, and it seems like every time the guys in Washington have a Climate Change hearing it gets canceled by a blizzard.

Add to that the recent Al Gore stories (Mr. Inconvenient Truth uses more electricity in a month than most of us use in a year, Mr. Inconvenient Truth flies all over globe in CO2 spewing aircraft, etc etc...) and it can be a tough time to work on climate issues.

(Oh, and let's not even get into that recent documentary, The Great Climate Swindle, the producers of which have already admitted to using data that "looked better" than was scientifically accurate or properly labeled.)

But since you've deigned to come visit, allow me to subject you to my favorite piece of climate advocacy, this ad produced by the British government:



Now isn't that something? I saw it this week as part of a presentation by Solitaire Townsend, an English marketing specialist working on climate issues, training climate advocates how to get across to mass audiences a message usually reliant on boring and confusing scientific jargon. The video is part of that effort.

But this isn't new stuff. Found this while noodling around on YouTube (looking for all my videos those bastards from Viacom are getting pulled down. Screw you Viacom. I hope Viagra becomes illegal, Sumner Redstone, you prick...)

Anyway, check this out from an educational film made back in 1958:



Now, of course, the Warming Skeptics will point out that the environmental movement is just a bunch of loonies looking for something to bedevil progress with whatever crackpot theories they can come up with.

Remember, for instance, that in the 1970's the crazy Birkenstock-wearing loons were talking about a new ice age. Well, when we were pumping millions of tons of sulphates (SO4) into the atmosphere we were increasingly the reflectivity of the atmosphere, which would have eventually, in years and years, caused severe cooling.

But we got a handle on sulfates in the 1970's and reduced their impact on the atmosphere. Now, their effect moderated the warming impact of CO2, so having less SO4 in the atmosphere means not only less Acid Rain, but less offsetting action to Global Warming.

Which is why some in the Bush administration have publicly proposed "salting" clouds with sulfur (or maybe some sort of huge, orbiting mirror to deflect the killer sun's rays). All this so they don't have to put in a compact fluorescent light bulb.

Where am I going with all this? Damned if I know. I'm going to warn you though I'm going to be doing more on this stuff here, so be prepared for weekly harangues about your polluting ways, you troglodytes.

Thank you, that will be all.

The Soundtrack of our lives...

Well, all the major party candidates are trotting out their theme songs. So rich boy John Edwards, who's building a 55 thousand square foot house on 40 acres of land in North Carolina is using "Our Country" by John Mellencamp (maybe he's suggesting that he's so rich he can buy the entire country), and Chris Dodd, the Senator from Connecticut, is trying to make us forget he's the token old white guy in the race by using "Get Ready" by the Temptations.

Hillary will take the stage to "Right Here, Right Now" by Jesus Jones (an obvious play for the evangelical vote) while Iowa Governor Tom Vilsac uses a song I might actually use if I was running in non-bloglife, "Let the Day Begin" by The Call.

But, as I am running in bloglife, I have no need to use a song anyone might like. So, as my trusty advisers, my wetbar, I need some advice. What song should we use as the theme song of this glorious campaign of global domination of hope and love...

As a Yankovicicanocrat, or something like that (I can't be bothered to check last week's post to see the name of our political party), perhaps we should use a Weird Al song. The polka mixes are intriguing, as you get many, many songs for one licensing fee. The latest remix, off of Straight Outta Lynnwood has a bunch of good riffs that provide a good picture of what we stand for in this campaign;

"I say you don't show
Don't move, time is slow
I say take me out!" - Take Me Out, Franz Ferdinand - bespeaks the immediacy of this campaign and how important it is to act now and vote for me!

"When the pigs try to get at ya
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot" - Drop it Like It's Hot, Snoop Dogg - good advice for anyone dealing with the police

"I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollypop
Go 'head girl, don't you stop
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)" - Candy Shop, 50 Cent - see, we're a pro-young person campaign... hold on... oooohhh... That's not what that's about? No? Really? Oh my, that's dirty... Moving on.



(The very unsettling aspect of having the Boy get into Weird Al is that he walks around the house singing "Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me"... I really hope he doesn't sing that at school, or we're going to need to teach him how to streetfight...)

Another possibility could be "Gimmie the Prize (Kurgan's Theme)" from the movie Highlander. I certainly think the whole "here we are, Princes of the Universe" thing sums up our campaign well. Plus it'd be real cool to be immortal.



Another good one is Sunday, Bloody Sunday by U2. But you've gotta admit between sporting events and other politicians, U2 has become a bit cliche. So to take it up a notch, we could have our version be the one rapped by President Bush at his last State of the Union. It'd work on multiple levels; Republicans would think we were down with the whole Bush thing, and Demmies would think we were poking fun at George W.



We could go old-school, and use an old Dylan song. I always liked Subterranean Homesick Blues. "You don't need a weather man to know which way the wind blows..." It's blowing toward a Kal victory, Baby!



Or, I could stay old school, and at the same time invoke another political hero of mine, former Massachusetts Governor Bill Weld. In his 1994 reelection for Governor he used the Grateful Dead's Truckin' as a campaign song, perhaps the first time in history a candidate has used a song with a line like "Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine,".



Oh well, perhaps I should just pick a theme song that sums up my personality? That would be this one, or course;



Well, loyal supporters, you got any ideas?

Everything Sucks...

This is going to be a bit disjointed (grain alcohol will do that to you...).

Crap. I'm still using complete sentences. Obviously not enough grain alcohol yet (Gypsy has set the standard for drunken blogging..)

And, by the way, we'll be watching Lost during this post- which is a really bad idea, 'cause JJ Abrams + booze can leave you really fucked up... Like, for instance, I could've sworn I just saw a nice little busdivision,... err... subdivision on the other side of the Lost island... and it's got Kerry Weaver's lesbian lover in it...

Oh, new Career Builder ad, one with the guy and a monkey at the urinal, and the monkey is certainly not dollowing... err...following the etiquitte spelled out in that video a couple of posts ago. This one's not on youtube yet, but here's a montage of Careerbuilder monkey ads... You know, for my money, you just can't get enough monkeyads...



Oh yes, she's back... Buy here she's Juliet... Interesting.

By the way - it was nice to see them not kill off Luka and Maggie's kid on ER last week. They haven't killed a baby in like a year..

Holy leaping lizards... Kate from Lost is in a low cut dress with her womanly parts all bulging out... my goodness..

Anywho, as I was saying, I think, at some point at least in this post, I'm in a crappy mood. Life sucks.

And the worst thing is, I can't write about it at all because too many people I know in real life know about this thing. And the last thing I need is someone from work knowing about my years as a page working for Mark Foley...

So, hyeah;.. Wroks sucks (uh oh - the grain spriitis are kicking in...(),... Politics sucls. The mega-volcano at TYellowstone is 40m,0-000 tyears late for an explosion, there've been four school shooting in the last two weeks, and my daughter is 10 going on 14 and may not make it to 11 if she keeps up her wiseass mouth....

Serious shit is going down, and I don;'t know how I;m supposed to just raise a family and go to work each morning and act like nothings happening.

Well, there's no way to wrap this up. So I;m just going to say good bye, and I;'kll see you all tomorrow...

Ciao